I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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