Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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