Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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