Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
