I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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