I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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