I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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