i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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