i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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