I'm jealous of your bromance
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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