so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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