they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
