I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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