I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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