Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
