I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize