dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
