Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
