my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
When are your genitals available?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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