apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
