I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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