I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
