i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
