i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
