got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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