Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
