sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
