I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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