Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
