I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
