i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize