She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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