I cannot find my penis.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
