It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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