You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
50% drunk capacity currently
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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