So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
