my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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