So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just cropdusted the office
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
