yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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