I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
