haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
