i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
