bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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