Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
