life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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