something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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