I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The beer is more important than you right now.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
