Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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