Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
