I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
