your parents love me but you hate me
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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