Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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