i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
