Sacagawea was the original milf.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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