He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
