I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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