see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
