Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
