If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
